Wrapped up

Sometimes when your mind is racing a million miles a second it's easy to get caught up in your journal. I started looking back at most of my entries and to be honest they are quite boring. Really I only ever posted when some minimalistic drama was going on.

Perhaps it's because when things were really happy I was too busy to post in my journal. Perhaps its because when things really sucked I didn't feel like blogging them in some record. Although I'm sure it will help.

Bobby's back hurts and I've managed to hurt him inadvertnatly about 1000 times today. I was really hoping we could go out and do something more exciting this weekend. However, my back has hurt like that before, and I know it only makes things worse. I want him to get better really soon.

Why don't I have more umpf(sp)? I'm really a much more exciting person in my head. I'm just so extremely shy that I don't do things I want to do. I don't take the "risks" I want to, and I'm not the spontaneous person I am in my head. It's that damn Taurean rationality. And in other cases its fear. I fear that I'll make myself look like a complete ass. Well that stops here. Sure I'm not going to just go out and jump off a building at whim. But there are certain things that I'm going to start doing that I should have a long time ago.

It's about 1:36 now, and I can't sleep. Partially because I really have been thinking really for months now about what I just said. I suppose its hard to really do some things you wanted to do when you know the world and people around you expect totally different. I mean shit, it took me 4 years just to dress like a skater in front of my gay friends. And really that didn't turn out so damn bad.

Another reason I can't sleep is I keep worrying I'm going to roll over on Bobby and hurt him in the middle of the night. I'm sure that won't happen, but I remember the kind of pain from last year. And alas, I'm too cold to sleep with just a sheet, but too hot to sleep with the comforter. Meh, oh well.

Anywho, lately Bobby and Mitch have been looking for a place in Cheyenne. Bobby told me, as per my previous offer, that he would like me to put some of my stuff there, and move in. One room for Bobby and I, and one for Mitch. While I know this probably sounds stupid to some people, as I just moved into my place in Denver, I don't care. It's something I want to do. I want to live with Bobby and to be honest I always have. I'm actually very excited about it. I guess Bobby and Mitch have checked out a few places.

I stupidly spoke up and said the big thing tonight. The response I got wasn't entirely unexpected, but still wasn't positive. And I suppose to some extent made me sad. It's funny ya know. I was the one all jittery and unsure when it came up before, and now I'm getting what I deserve I guess. I'm just hoping in the end... But I'm in it for the long run. I'm not giving up.

It's very hard only seeing eachother on the weekends, sure. It sucks not being able to talk at night, yes. It's painful not being able to sleep in the same bed more often. Yes, I wish I could just spontaneously drive up to Cheyenne to see Bobby whenever. But he works at night, so I can't. But you know what, it's just a road bump in the sea of our relationship. It sucks, yes. It's hard, definitely. But the fact of the matter is I want this to work. And I know Bobby does too. Hopefully if there is a place in Cheyenne, we will see eachother far more often.

I don't just want this to work because I want a husband someday. I don't wnat this to work just because it's what I've drempt before. And I think the reason our relationship has actually maintained so well, for me anyway, is because it's Bobby. Bobby is different than anyone I've ever been with. It's not about having a thing I've always wanted in my life. It's about having a specific person. It's about yearning for someone. I've honestly never had anyone that I've wanted to kiss a billion times every day. Someone who I can spend endless days with and never get tired of being around. Hell I just touch him and want to jump his bones.

I make a pledge I will do whatever I have to in order to show Bobby that I yearn for him as I do. I know I'm bad at showing that. I vow to get better about it. I vow to show Bobby I am worthy to be his husband. I will never leave or forsake him. Love, honor, charish. Yes, the sickness, health, rich, poor, etc. etc. If Bobby goes blind and deaf, I still want him. To me he is the most gorgeous man on the face of the planet. Ok, here I'm getting all sappy again. By now I'm sure some of you are reaching for a trashcan. Perhaps Bobby too. But I'm serious. Lazarus Robert "Bobby" Pryor, you are the most gorgeous man on the face of the Earth. Hell yeah. :-P

Ok, bed time.